The words of the heart surgeon still ring in my mind as though she spoke them yesterday. She said:
DON’T YOU EVER CRY IN FRONT OF HIM AGAIN! I DON’T WANT YOU TO SPEAK NEGATIVELY AROUND HIM. DO NOT UPSET HIM OR RAISE YOUR VOICE TO HIM. WE CAN GET HIM THROUGH THIS, BUT IT’S UP TO YOU TO KEEP HIS SPIRITS UP FROM NOW ON. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
Not one soul on this planet understands the pressure I have felt from that moment forward – not one. Yes, I know God gets it – we’ve talked a few million times. If I don’t feel particularly positive, it makes me feel extremely guilty and I feel as though I have to put on this fake mask and just force myself to BE positive. I can be positive or be quiet.
It’s not that I’m a negative person – but I’m not just all smiles and rainbows every day. I’ve just become this sort of nothing in particular – no real emotions shine through at all. I’m guarded and careful – and numb. Yes, madam surgeon – I understand. I can’t get angry or show any excitement of any kind. Yep – I get it.
So this is me. My emotions are in check and I’ve become calculated. I’m no longer the spontaneous person I used to be. I miss that person, but it’s okay. Last week we went to a convention. I socialize in a sort of moderate way with people. I don’t talk too much and I listen when I’m spoken to. I don’t over-react to anything and I’ve been almost editing every syllable since my husband’s heart surgery.
We were sitting with friends at the hotel’s restaurant. I ordered a spinach salad and a glass of water. The salad was wonderful and quite large. I ate half and took half back to the room. The waitress came to our table with the box in one hand and the water pitcher in the other. She was trying to hand me the box and fill my water-glass at the same time – the glass spilled and the water (and ice) went right in my lap.
I just sat there. I really honestly showed no emotion. My friends were doing plenty of reacting on my behalf. I’m still walking through life with this emotionless mask on my face. I do remember thinking, “Hey, I think I have the hang of this now.” I mean everyone was commenting about how non-reactive I was. Is it a good thing? Well, good or bad – it is what it is.
The surgeon has spoken – and I must obey! ❤