After 5 miscarriages in the first 10 years of marriage… I had some pretty heated conversations with God. You know what I learned? I learned that when you are in pain and you’ve suffered loss, God is a very patient companion. He never judged me for being hurt. He never judged me for being angry – even at Him. He just kept loving me. It was a loooooooooooooong road through the anxiety and depression, but with God’s help – I’m better.
Is it easy to see the women my age posting photos of themselves with their grandkids? Oh no, it sure is not. Sometimes today I still ask God why I wasn’t “GOOD ENOUGH” to be a mom – and apparently all my friends from school were. I know that isn’t really how it works, but it sure feels like it is the way it works sometimes. It feels like a punishment, to be honest.
The proverbial lightning struck me… ZAP – you’ll never be a mother, a grandmother, or a great-grandmother… etc. BOOM! I felt done and I isolated myself on purpose from grandparents everywhere. It was too painful to be around the fortunate ones. Does anyone understand this? If it really was a REAP and SOW type of deal, wouldn’t a lot more women be in this situation? Jus’ sayin’…
As awful as it was to experience disappointment x 5, I cannot even imagine the pain of a woman who has given birth and that child is stillborn. I can’t fathom the pain. I’m so very sorry to all who have gone through that.
People say loss is loss… not true. I never met my children, so I suspect my life got back to “normal” much more quickly. I know they are in Heaven being spoiled rotten by their grandparents. I have a lot of hugs and kisses to give when I get there. I’ll be very busy for a long time. But I know they’re okay – so I’m going to be okay too. I will. God is good all the time.
I’m not mad at God anymore. That’s a losing battle anyway. I got tired of feeling angry at my Creator for something I simply don’t understand and never will. It stings to see all the grandma pictures on facebook – I won’t lie. But it’s simply not God’s plan for me, I guess.
1 in 4 women experience the loss of a child. This month, let a grieving mom know that she’s loved. Let her know that God’s sent angels to surround and protect her. Remind her that God still loves her and is not punishing her even though I’ll bet a few still feel as though it is a punishment. It’s not. It’s really not.
As strange as it sounds, it makes me feel better to know that my kids are with their grandparents – but especially that they are with Jesus. We’ve all seen the sweet artist renditions of Jesus with the little children. He loved them the best because they are the most innocent humans. He loves them because they have not learned how to lie or steal or do bad things yet. They speak only truth and although sometimes the truth they speak can be hurtful (I know, I taught Sunday School)… they mean what they say and they won’t sugar-coat it. That’s why Jesus loves them, and that’s why I respect them so much.
We’re supposed to be training them up – but I think there’s a great deal we as adults could learn from them, don’t you? 🙂
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. – 1 Peter 5:7
Be sensitive to other women. You may not have all the facts about the path they walk. Don’t be so quick to judge them or dismiss them. A childless woman has moments of jealousy because she wants what you take for granted. When that happens, try to overlook it, but the best thing you can do is just pray for her. 🙂